#2 "The Apocalypse" - Olivia

We’re not messing around folks.  Right off the bat, we’re going to talk about death and destruction.

Leave it to us to begin with ‘the end.'  Yes, the apocalypse. 

From what I’ve gathered, the apocalypse should be something like a flexible fruit pie recipe. Perhaps the seasonings differ a little, a little cinnamon here, a kiss of sugar there, but the fruit is the only real variable. 

While the apocalypse is all about the same basic idea, at least for cinematic depictions: some force of doom or destruction comes into play, terror ensues, chaos reigns, cue exit music. 

Bake all that at 350 degrees.  Serve with ice-cream.

However, I’m convinced that if the world is going to end, we are totally not going to see it coming.  People are going to worry about their dry-cleaning right up until there is nothing left we can do. 

I'm not here to prophecy doom.  Any speculation would ruin the surprise, if the world does indeed intend to end.  No, instead of guessing about exactly how the fat lady will sing, as it were, I want to suggest what I guess will be the best parts of the worst part.

I present to you ...

The Top Ten Best Things about the Apocalypse

1. The soundtrack to the apocalypse will be incredible.  
 Let's face it.  If thing's aren't looking good, everyone is going to be pumped with adrenaline.  And I'm gonna want to dance it out.  Like every good/extremely bad horror film, a Bee Gees "Stayin' Alive" is hopefully going to be refreshingly ironic.  Stay tuned for my own "apoca-mix."  (Question:  What would you listen to during the aftermath?)

2. You can wear whatever you want.
Congratulations, you no longer have to impress anyone.  If you're pajama clad in the worst way possible, it's all forgiven.  Even if you're wearing those shorts with the stains and the holes.  Even that over-sized tee shirt with the embarrassing pun on the front that you have no idea how it made it into your house, let alone your rotation ... you get the same understanding that hurricane victims get.  Plus, look what everyone else is wearing.   It might be fun to revisit old Halloween costumes.

3.  Now is your chance to use all those skills you've learned through video games. 
I have this strange feeling that gamers of all varieties are going to crawl out of their basements and have surprisingly valuable knowledge.  They may not have the incredible aim with a cross-bow in real life that they had in virtual reality, but I'll be darned if they don't try, or at the very least know how to load one.  I have no idea how different post-apocalyptic life will be compared to today, but I'm just going to assume that there will be plenty of opportunities for people to finally try what they've always pretended.

4. Your closet stash of Twinkies no longer seems like a bad idea.
Neither does your weird sword collection.  Your penchant for knitting, your back yard garden, your bizarrely trained pets, just may come in handy.  Even your decision to buy three hundred packages of toilet paper/ramen noodles/band-aids because they were selling them for a nickle a pop seems like a brilliant stroke of genius.  

5.  You will never be more creative in your life.  Ever. 
Everything you own will take on new purpose.   Those DIY-ers suddenly got nothin' on you.  Your tribe-mates will look at your fish-catching machine made of tongs, a business sock, and dental floss with the same awe you one had for the last five minutes of MacGyver.   You'll be ready if you and your people ever find a lake.  (People will begin doing crazy things for rolls of duct tape ... )

6. Social classes will be obsolete.
When no one has a paying job, no one cares what your last one was.  Suddenly, being a carpenter, a farmer, or a nurse is way cooler than being a poet, a computer-programmer, a DJ, or a banker.  Unfortunately, my job, giver of surveys over the phone, will never be cool.

7.  You finally have the time to _________.
Ok, this may not apply to everything on that list of yours.  You may or may not get to watch that movie in your Netflix queue.   There may or may not be Netflix anymore.  But!  Remember all those books you bought in the 90's?  That guitar your friend left?  That novel you were going to write?  Your time has finally come.

8.  You can stop worrying about French tests.
No one you know speaks French anymore!  You're home free, brotha!


9.  Every day is an adventure! 
Who knows what you'll get to do when the foundations of civilization are crumbling!  Hunting followed by scavenging?  Or maybe today you encounter new people?   Encounter a beast?  Either way, I'll bet every day is something new!

10.  The longer you live, the cooler your stories are going to be.  
And really, isn't that what it's all about anyway?

And I'm just going to put this out there now - if the apocalypse happens, as a general rule, just assume there will be a party at my house.  The party will last for no longer than 16 hours.  After that, you should, you know, probably find some shelter or something.

Bring your 'apoca-mixes'.

Don’s Response –

Since we’re still near the beginning of this weekly blogging routine we’re instituting for ourselves, the first thing I want to say (and I’ll do my best not to repeat this weekly) is just how amazing it is that you write so well.  Really, I know this isn’t actually a competition of who can write better, but dag, girl, cut your old man some slack.  That post was a comic tour de force, which I believe is the French expression for “look at these guns, will’ya?” while showing off your biceps.

When I think of the soundtrack for the end of the world, I can imagine nothing better than the opening credits of Stephen King’s The Stand with Blue Oyster Cult blasting out “Don’t Fear the Reaper.”  As I mentioned in my post, when the end of the world comes, I hope I go down quickly; I have no interest in either watching it happen or being one of the last remaining few.  When the apocalypse comes, I don’t expect there will be grand prizes for the ones who “Outwit, Outlast, Outplay.”    So, if I’m still around at the end of the last few notes of “Don’t Fear the Reaper,” go ahead and start REM’s “It’s the End of the World as We Know It” and I’ll do my best to check out before this song ends.

Because I’m the dad here, I’m going to invoke my parental prerogative and offer some fatherly advice (if it helps, imagine me in a cardigan and smoking a pipe while Nipper, the RCA terrier, stares vacantly at the Victorola), so here it is: “Don’t wait for the end of the world to do those things on your list!”  Seriously, it’s too bad that (not just you but) most of us feel as though we need some excuse to wear whatever we want, give up caring about social classes, or seek adventures.  I say don’t wait, go ahead now and use those skills garnered through video games, whatever they may be.   Although keeping a stash of Twinkies in the closet may attract cockroaches, I say go ahead and take that risk after all if there’s one thing I’ve learned from all the cinematic depictions of the end of the world, it’s that the cockroaches are going to make it even when we don’t.  Thus, even if the Twinkies go bad perhaps during those few weeks you expect to outlive the rest of us, you can feast on roaches.  As for me, if  I’ve got a choice between feasting on bugs or letting them feast on me, I guess I’d rather be the host than the guest at those dinners.

Speaking of cinematic depictions, don’t forget we’re yakking about “Remakes and Sequels” in this Sunday night’s blog.   I’ll bring the popcorn, and if you promise not to mention how I made you watch the Hanna Montana Concert film (you and your sister had been out wayyyy past curfew, I must add in my own defense) then I won’t mention how you made me sit through The Power Rangers Movie when you were eight.