Sunday, December 26, 2010

#21 "It's a Gift" -- Don


‘Twas the day after Christmas and all through the home, we regarded our waistlines, swollen like gnomes.

Ugh. Christmas is over.  Now let’s get ready for New Year’s Eve and the subsequent three months of dieting and scary, snowy roads.  Before, however, we pour the remaining eggnog down the drain, gobble up the last bit of Chex Mix (before it goes bad, ha!) and haul the crumpled wrapping paper to the curb, let’s take a moment and appreciate what we received through this past holiday, our Christmas gifts.

I suppose there are dozens of ways we could categorize Christmas gifts (big to small, most expensive to least expensive, sentimental to functional), but for now I’m going to organize them into the three categories: what we get from businesses, what we get from family and friends, and what we get from God.

What We Get From Businesses

While most of us abhor the excessive and grotesque commercialization of Christmas, with the overly bright and glitzy displays and the endless paa rum pum pum pum blaring through the mall speakers, there are some aspects of the merchandizing of Christmas that I am actually grateful for.  I was in a store the other day, and the cashier said to the person in line before me, “Merry Christmas” and that customer growled at her as though she was either hopelessly naïve or socially awkward.  After the snarky shopper moved along, the cashier said to me, “I don’t care how others treat me, I’m going to be nice to people anyway.”  Her smile was genuine, her kindness was infectious, and she had already forgiven the grump in front of me for his rudeness.

And that, folks, is a real gift. 

Yes, yes, I know the lights are too bright, the music is too loud, and the parking lots are too crowded, but let’s remember that when people make it a special part of their jobs to be nice to others, it more than makes up for the cynical corporate marketing schemes that aim to squeeze out our last dimes.  While I’m sure this particular cashier is nice to people the other eleven months of the year, it’s a gift to be reminded that Christmas shopping is not just about going out to garner the stuff we will be trading with the people we know, it’s also about the cheerfulness and consideration we can exchange with absolute strangers.  Although at times we can all get cranky and sneering, we know we are better people when we are not.  It’s a gift to be reminded to be nice to one another (even if that reminder has a price tag hanging off of it).

What We Get From Family and Friends

The best gifts we get from our family and friends are not necessarily unwrapped on Christmas morning.  The best gift we get from the people we really know and care about in our lives is the certainty that (for reasons which may lie beyond our comprehension) we matter to them and they matter to us.

My daughter, Olivia, gave me a new board game for Christmas; as much as I appreciate the box full of tiny tokens, playing cards, and its impressive cardboard layout, the real gift is not the game so much as all the time we’ll eventually spend together playing it.  This Christmas among the spoils we offered each other, the family gave movies, music, and books.  For me, these presents are not the media itself, but the time we’ll spend together watching the films or talking about the books.

My wife, Ruth, was a bit disappointed, I think, that I started wearing the jacket she gave me before Christmas and that she didn’t get to wrap it up for me to open yesterday morning.  Her gift wasn’t really the jacket though.  It was the warmth it provided me last week when I couldn’t bear to go outside in my old coat. 

My daughter, Ellie, gave me a graphic novelization of The Wizard of Oz.  I love the book, but what I love even more is how this particular gift demonstrates how well Ellie knows me.  She knows what I like, and that’s the real gift: she knew I would like it.

So, for my friends and family who regularly drop by this blog and give Olivia and me a little bit of your time, thanks for taking a part of your life to be a part of our lives.  We appreciate this gift more than you’ll ever know.

What We Get From God

The best gifts, naturally, come from God.  I am completely grateful for the talents and abilities that I have.  Although I humbly admit I lack a lot of useful skills (I’m a terrible mechanic, a wretched carpenter, and nearly worthless plumber), I have been divinely gifted with a love for words and a keen appreciation for seeing the humor in most situations. 

I love music, and although I put many, many hours into learning to play a few instruments, I did not “learn” to be a songwriter, that was a gift from God.  I have no idea how many times I have been gifted while writing a song with a new melody from an inspired spiritual region that I have no right to claim ownership from.

Perhaps the best gift I get from God is the on-going mystery of it all.  As I’ve often said to my students, “a good question is better than a good answer, because a good question keeps us going.” 

Even though I may not understand a lot about God (nor much of what He or She is up to), I am grateful for the gift of simply being allowed to hang out here in this particular physical world to watch and see what I can make of it all.  I don’t think it’s just a linguistic coincidence that the word “present” means both “a gift” and “at this very moment.”

This present moment is the greatest gift we get from God; recognizing it’s endless mysteries of why we’re here and how we’re meant to be with each other is how we demonstrate our gratitude for this gift.  It’s the wonder that makes it wonderful.  Furthermore, whenever we are feeling blue or overwhelmed with our lives, it’s this awareness that holds the secret to finding our way back to happiness: “Who am I right now?” and “Why am I here?” 

It seems foolish to struggle with the petty complications of this life when we remember that we have been given the gift of this present moment. God has puts us on the cusp of the infinite to marvel at all we can behold while overlooking its rim.

Thank you, God, for everything.  I promise not to try and return it.


Monday, December 20, 2010

Sorry for the hold up!

I'm flying to Ohio today!  I know this post should've gone up yesterday, but I truly haven't had a chance.  You should see it tomorrow some time, thanks!

Sunday, December 19, 2010

#20 "So Bad That It's Good" -- Don



I’m tempted to start off by riffing on the Platonic/Socratic discourse that separates “what is truly good from what is merely pleasurable.”  Plato, in several of his dialogs, has his teacher, Socrates, ramble on and on about how life offers us plenty of things that are bad for us that are nonetheless very pleasurable.  For instance, we might all enjoy it when someone flatters us, but Socrates would say the truth is more beneficial.  But, I’ll save my philosophic lectures for when I’m waxing eloquent about rhetoric in English class, and here in today’s blog, I want to stick to those things that are aesthetically not very good, but somehow, because of some weird gravitational effect, they rebound off the side of The Wall of Terrible and bounce back squarely into The Playground of Awesome.

Musically, it would be hard to find a better example of something that is “So Bad That It’s Good than this gem from The Lawrence Welk Show:

During my childhood, The Lawrence Welk Show was one of those TV shows that seemed like it was alway on.  Even as a child, I could not understand how anyone could watch this show and not notice how desperate the producers seemed to be to depict all American music as sanguine and banal.  While The Munsters and The Addams Family were parodying what was supposed to be creepy in America during the 1960's, I say the show that really gave me the creeps was this one.  One of my favorite SNL skits demonstrates this attitude perfectly as Kristen Wiig performs with doll hands and a massive forehead while her singing sisters work to appear as normal as possible.  Here's a link to the video, I don't have the mad blogger skills to figure out how to embed it like I did with the previous video above.

As far as movies go, I can think of plenty of films that somehow uses it's self-awareness of being second-rate material to move it somehow passed all those films that want to be great but can't quite make it.  One of my all-time favorite bad movies that just happens to be amazingly good is Mothra vs. Godzilla.  Seriously, as if the giant lizard fighting the giant moth does sufficiently satisfy the weirdness quotient for a movie, you have to admire the filmmaker's willingness to incorporate two Barbie-doll sized twin fairy girls who plead with the evil corporate executives to return an enormous egg to their homeland "Infant Island."
  


In my humble opinion, nobody can take material that is so weird that it makes you wonder if the writers were stoned when they cranked out their story and present it in a style that acts as though it's all as common as Wonder Bread as the Japanese can.  Yes, I know Lewis Carroll, Rolad Dahl, and Tim Burton can all do terrifically mad and beautiful work exploring this literary territory, but even as good as Alice in Wonderland, James and the Giant Peach, and Edward Scissorhands can be, they all pale in the exquisite shadows of Hayao Miyazaki's Spirited Away:

With its bouncing disembodied Russian heads, its child abandoned because Mom and Dad have been turned into swine, and the creepiest giant baby ever portrayed on film, Spirited Away couldn't have been weirder if the ghost of Walt Disney had showed up tripping on LSD.

In the category of reading "So Bad It's Good," I'd put the series of pulp novels by Tarzan-creator Edgar Rice Burroughs about the prehistoric world that lies at the center of the Earth as my favorite.  

You can get a free ebook of At the Earth's Core here.  If you've never had the fun of reading any of the Doc Savage pulp novels (mostly written by Lester Dent) then as soon as you finish At the Earth's Core, you should jump in a read The Man of Bronze (most of the Doc Savage books are available as free ebooks from here).  

If you get an ebook reader for Christmas (such as a Kindle or a Nook), then you should know there are tons of free and awesome books waiting to be had; I particularly recommend the sci-fi and mystery pulp writers of the 30's and 40's including Robert Howard and H.P Lovecraft.  These writers are more accurately described as "So Bad They're Hard to Beat."

As I wrap this blog up, I think I'd be remiss if I didn't say something about food.  Ruth is always giving me a hard time about my dietary choices (as well as she should, it's her job to keep me on the straight and narrow), and know that their food is especially bad nutritionally, but in the category of "So Bad It's Good" I think it would hard to beat the delicious choices that are available at Speedway.  

Not only is their coffee the best deal anywhere, I'm a sucker for all the delectable delicacies that are in perpetual rotation on their spinning hot dog cooker.  If you haven't tried one of their meat and cheese pastry filled Tornadoes, then what are you waiting for?  Permission from your doctor? That'll never happen.  Be sure to use your Speedy Rewards Card because if you survive a few meals, they'll give you a free sandwich after you accumulate a few points.

Okay, Christmas is next weekend.  So Ho-ho-ho and all of that.  Don't overindulge too much (just overindulge enough not to get ill from it afterwards).

Monday, December 13, 2010

#19 God




Finding a picture I've taken that sums up "God" was harder than I thought it would be.   I'm still not really satisfied.

It looks cliche.

Why is God always summed up in a sunrise?  Obvious answers include the conspicuous "light" metaphor, or the even more noticeable "sun" metaphor, the source of everything.

Or perhaps, all those inspirational posters with God quotes also have sunrises because it suggests a peace or an awe that escorts the dawn into day.  How else would you describe that time but holy?  The reverence of morning reminds me of God.

However, I want more than that.  If I had more options, perhaps instead of a picture, I'd play a sound.

As much as images paint poignant and lasting impressions, nothing soaks in like something I've heard.  Music can be all encompassing in ways that cannot be replicated by the other senses.

When I picture God as a sound, I hear the Who-chorus singing to their spangle-stripped holy morning.  It's a song that makes the heart awaken.

"Fa who fo-raze!  Da who do-raze!"  They sing not because they have nothing left, but because life is too sacred not to.  Morning is here!  Their song is a sweet promise.  It is a simple wisdom.  It feels like a hallelujah use to.  I see it as nothing more or less than the purest, most unconditional and freeing love.

Love like gravity.  Love like color.

Love so full and complete that we cannot see it all or understand it all and so often we take it for granted or forget about it.

That's what I think of when I think of God.

While my father and I may disagree, I know my capacity to fathom God comes from my own mortal parents.

 I was always blessed by words like "Who loves you?"
To which I would smile back and say, "You do, Dad."
And he would say, "No matter what."
And I would repeat "No matter what."

It took very little imagination to imagine love of that nature coming from a Heavenly Father.

How did I know my Godly Father loved me?  Because I was given a body?  One that can see, hear, taste, smell and touch?  Because that body could grow?  Because I was given the capacity to learn and choose?   Because each day, I am given another sunrise?  Another breath?

Or because I can feel?  All those things being true, I knew because I could feel it.

And that changes everything.

I believe in a God who loves.  Simple as a s'more.  He loves us because He knows us.  And because He knows us, and loves us, He has provided us ways to be happy.  He wants it for us.

And I'm not talking about bubble-gum machine weekend part-time happiness.   I'm talking real, fine craftsmanship, home grown, worthy investment happiness.  The kind that not only serves you now, but the kind that can be passed down forever.  Heirloom happiness, perhaps.

While I cannot confirm nor deny a particular first name, I can tell you that when I talk to God, I feel a deep peaceful understanding of love.

It moves me to love others and seek after things that are good.  His love is one that rouses me to find truth.  His love spreads seeds of gratitude that has taken the deepest root in me.

There is so much that I know because of the love of God.  I know that as cliche as a sunrise is, like His love, it will always be there.

And it will always be the most brilliant thing I see all day.

Don Replies:


I'm glad that your experience with God is so pleasant.  I'm a bit jealous of that.  Somewhere along the line for me, other people's "religion" got in the way of my experience of God.  I've spent my entire adulthood trying to get to that space where it's just God and me, but what I heard in my childhood about a God who is often angry and vengeful almost always gets in the way.  On a rational, abstract level, I can separate what I was told from what makes sense to me today, but on an emotional level, I'm still often bitter and jaded.  And I don't just get angry at all the dogma and doctrine that's screwed up my ability to make peace with The Eternal, but I get angry that God would allow it to happen as well.  It seems to me that if God is an active force in the everyday lives of ordinary human beings, then the one thing He would care about (and take care of) is how He gets portrayed by the people who claim to know him the best.  So for me, I struggle to have a very simple faith -- that God is more kind, loving, and forgiving than the "official" script portrays Him to be.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

#19 "God, Whose Name May or May Not Be Howard" -- Don



The topic of God is extraordinarily complicated, but that shouldn’t prevent us from discussing it. Although I’m not a prophet, a preacher, or a missionary, I have spent a great deal of my life thinking about the nature of God, and as a result, I have developed some very strong opinions about what I think about God.  Some of the regular readers of this blog may be surprised to find this out, but my primary interest in getting a PhD in Composition and Rhetoric was so I could better understand the mechanics of religious belief and improve my ability to articulate those aspects about religion that leave me befuddled, frustrated, and disturbed.

Have you ever had a popcorn husk get stuck between two back teeth and your tongue won’t leave it alone?  Perhaps you have felt like you wanted to stick your finger deep into your mouth and with the edge of a fingernail extract that annoyance, but you were hopelessly stuck in polite company, and you have been taught since childhood that sticking your fingers into your mouth while in public is generally considered rude and disgusting.  So, in this situation, you probably act as though nothing is wrong while the whole time you couldn’t wait to get a little privacy so you could deal with your oral irritation.  This scenario pretty much describes my long and exasperating relationship with organized religion.  It’s as though the dogmatic aspects of other people’s beliefs gets stuck between my teeth, and my brain won’t let it go and decorum requires I leave it alone until I’m by myself.

Okay, so polite or not, today I’m going to stick my fingers deep into my mouth and extirpate what bothers me about traditional religious beliefs.  You’ve been forewarned; it’s not going to be pretty.

First and foremost, understand this: even though my mother passed away a few years ago, if someone said something disparaging about her, the comment would hurt my feelings.  Even if whoever made the comment felt they were speaking candidly and truthfully about my mother, because of my unique relationship with her, I would find the comment deeply offensive and I would want to argue for the truth of my own experience.  I feel exactly the same way about God. 

When I hear (or read) portrayals of God that depict Him as monstrous, barbaric, or irrational, I find those depictions odious and insulting, and furthermore, it matters not a whit to me whether those depictions are coming from the evening news or what other people consider sacred texts.  The Old Testament says God told Moses to command his men to kill all the women and children taken prisoner after a particular battle with the Midianites; Moses goes on to say that God said it was okay to spare any of the girls who were still virgins and take them into slavery to do whatever they wanted with them (Numbers 31).  The Book of Mormon says that God commanded Nephi to cut off the head off of Laban who had passed out from drinking too much (1 Nephi 4), and later, when Jesus came to America to minister to the people who were living here, he first killed several million of them by crushing their cities under earthquakes, tidal waves, fires and volcanoes (3 Nephi 9).  This part of the LDS narrative is written in the first person with Jesus saying, “I did this”; apologists can’t even make the argument that the millions of people who were killed were just victims of natural disasters that happened to coincide with Jesus’ arrival.  I don’t understand how anyone can reconcile the Jesus who forgave the people who actually drove nails through him (“Forgive them Father, they know not what they do.”) with the Jesus who takes his first opportunity in the New World to mass murder everyone in 16 cities (“And a many great destructions have I caused to come upon this land, and upon this people, because of their wickedness and their abominations.”)

I don’t know if I ultimately know anything about God, but when I hear someone say something about God that maligns his character, I am deeply offended by it, and I have a difficult time remaining quiet about it (even though most of the time, that’s what I feel I have to do).

Now here’s where it gets technical, but please, hang with me.  If anyone wants to dispute the soundness of my arguments about God, I would be glad to entertain those arguments as long the other person can show she gets the crux of my thesis.  I am not interested in arguing religion with anyone who is not willing to address the authenticity of my primary concerns.

Okay, so here goes: Aristotle would say that basically there’s two types of knowledge: Episteme and EndoxaEpisteme is the type of knowledge that we gain from either scientific demonstrations or through strict logical deduction.  Endoxa is the type of knowledge that is useful but is based on what most people just happen to believe to be true (popular opinion) but would be impossible to show logically or scientifically.  Today, we might look at this Aristotelian classification as an attempt to separate knowledge into the two categories of what we can prove empirically (based on shared observations of our mutual physical reality) from what we can only understand constructively (based on our communal “socially constructed” ideas about meanings that are not open to physical experimentation).

This is to say, there are the things we can know because we can test the ideas scientifically and there are the things we can know because we have to agree we need to be able to talk about such things. Ideas like honesty, morality, justice, and spirituality all have a certain actuality in our shared reality, but anyone who would claim she could measure these terms and demonstrate their relationships empirically has a tenuous grasp of what we can really know through science.  I might say for example that scientists have proven they are entirely capable of splitting atoms to release enormous amounts of inherent energy, but their knowledge of the political and moral correctness of doing so remains outside of the scientific domain of expertise. 

Thus, moral pronouncements about right and wrong cannot be held to the same methods of discovery and verification as pronouncements about the speed of light.
Science can demonstrate that light travels at 186000 miles a second, but science cannot prove that it’s immoral to sneak into your neighbor’s house and take stuff that does not belong to you.  Even if we could achieve worldwide consensus that stealing from our neighbors is always wrong, this belief would still be epistemic rather than ontological; it would remain an idea that we accept rather than one we could prove.  Science could even demonstrate, perhaps, through psychological and sociological instruments that everyone gets along better when everyone agrees not to steal other people’s stuff, but science as a field of discourse is not equipped to demonstrate that stealing is immoral because the concept of immorality originates within the social acknowledgement that some behaviors are right and some behaviors are wrong.  Unless we agree that “immorality” exists, we cannot discuss how to manage the concept.

To sum this all up, the scientific authority that says, “two objects of different weights fall at precisely the same speed” is not the same moral authority that says, “you have an obligation not to take things that do not belong to you” because different types of knowledge require different models of authority.

Knowledge of God could never be empirically oriented because there is no way to scientifically control for God.  It is impossible to design an experiment that could factor God out because any explanation of God requires first a definition of God, and all definitions of God are linguistically limited to the words we can use to explain our relationships with Him.  Because God is beyond the limits of definition, God remains the mystery that lies beyond the physics of this world.

This is not to say that God doesn’t exist.  It is to say that our knowledge of God must always remain informed by our unique and personal experiences.

Now since God must be discussed as an ontological reality that exists beyond the scope of scientific devices, we must rely upon those who tell us about God to demonstrate their moral authority in ways that we can agree upon that by necessity lie beyond any physical or quantifiable evidence. 

I contend that whenever someone says something about God which conflicts with something else they said about God, then they have undermined the authority they were hoping to establish as “God’s spokesman.”

Think about it this way: If I were a cashier in a department store and someone handed me a credit card, the amount of credit available on the card is irrelevant to the process of establishing that the cardholder is authorized to use it.   If someone says, “Look, the person whose name on the card said I could use it; don’t you trust that person?” the issue of trust does not fall between me and the person whose name is on the card.  It’s between me and the person who is making the claim he is authorized to use the card.  Thus, if someone claims to be a Prophet of God and his claim to using God’s authority lies entirely within the argument that “if I don’t believe him, then I must not believe in God,” then the so-called Prophet of God seems to be missing the point.  It’s not about whether God has endless authority and credibility; it’s about whether that person who claims that God wants him to speak upon His behalf can prove to me he’s actually speaking with God’s authorization.

If God exists, then I expect He’s kinder, wiser, more intelligent, and more moral than I am. (Do I hear an “amen”?)  If God is more intelligent than I am, then He figured out eons ago something I learned within my first 50 years: that a motive to believe something is not the same as a reason to believe something.  If I offer to give you a million dollars to believe I have a unicorn in my basement, you have an excellent motive to believe in my unicorn, but you don’t have a rational reason to believe in it.
Even if I could show you the money is real, it would not have any relevancy for establishing the existence of the unicorn. If I threaten to shoot you in the head unless you say you believe in my unicorn, you have an excellent motive to say you believe in my unicorn, but you still don’t have a rational reason for believing in the unicorn.

So my argument goes like this: if God is more intelligent than I am (and I expect He is), then there can be no doubt that He’s known for a long, long time that while “promises of rewards” or “threats of tortures” may provide excellent motives for believing, they are irrelevant and irrational (and hence, immoral and unethical) reasons for believing.  Thus, if God were to choose someone to speak upon his behalf, the least I would expect is that God would carefully explain to that person that any messages the spokesman wants to claim comes from Him better be rational, relevant, and moral or else anyone who hear these messages will have excellent reasons to dismiss the claims as fraudulent.

This is to say, then, if God exists, then He is certainly more moral and rational than I am.  I would expect anyone who God has authorized to speak upon his behalf would totally get the part that immoral and irrational arguments only serve to demolish their credibility.

Anyone who says, “God wants you to know that if you don’t believe I’m actually speaking upon His behalf then He will burn you forever in hell” has proven he’s not actually speaking on God’s behalf because, you see, God (being wiser and more ethical than I am) would warn his official spokesmen not to make this type of threat. 

The Promise of Heaven and/or The Threat of Hell seems to me to be the primary rhetorical engine of most Biblical Prophets; and this is why I have to hand the credit card back to them and say, “I’m sorry, but just saying you have the cardholder’s authorization to use this unlimited credit is not the same as proving you have the owner’s authorization, and furthermore, trying to bribe me with the offer to buy me something if I’m willing to accept your story that you are sanctioned to use the card is precisely the unethical behavior that makes me think you’re probably a liar.  Furthermore, saying that unless I accept that you have the approved authority to use the card, then the real owner is going to come down to the store and set me on fire when I get off work also sounds like the type of threat someone who doesn’t really know the card owner very well would make. I can’t say how well I know the card owner, but He doesn’t strike me as the type who would use the vast resources He has at hand to promote violence and intolerance, and I certainly don’t see Him condoning bribes or threats.  Good day!”

I must end it here.  I’ve gone on too long.  I, naturally, have tons more to say about God but I’m guessing blog posts really shouldn’t run on this long.  I’m sure we’ll come back to this topic again someday.  So until then, “Our Father, who art in Heaven, Howard be thy name. . .”

Monday, December 6, 2010

#18 Holidays-Wholly Dazed - Olivia



To those of you who talk to me regularly, I apologize for repeating myself, but I want the world to know that after years of just rocking Christmas, I finally added Hanukkah to the repertoire.  

Yes, it rocked my world.  Kwanzaa, next year is your year. 

Now, I'm guessing there will be some confusion.  Something in the form of, "You celebrated Hanukkah?  In Rexburg, Idaho??" followed by a, "And why ...?"  Good question, reader. 

Yes.  I celebrated Hanukkah in the isolating, overwhelmingly Christian, currently frozen state of Idaho.  I did it because I was invited to do so.  And it was awesome.  

We read a story about the havoc the Greek Syrians wrought on the Jews and the miracle of the oil lasting eight days, we lit the menorah, we sang about dreidels, and then ate latkes and chocolate coins.  

My favorite part was learning about miracles - or at least for me - re-introducing the idea of miracles in my life.  

Thanksgiving was literally last week, and already I have caught myself grumbling about what I don't have or can't do.  I had already forgotten that the reason we get off work on a Thursday in November is not to power nap after an unmentionable amount of calories, but because we have an opportunity to realize how truly good we have it.  

Now, while thinking about the struggles the Jews had to endure, I was given the opportunity to pause and reflect again.  

Folks, we celebrate holidays and traditions to remind ourselves of important things.  I wish I lived in such a way that I kept those things with me always, but I am always grateful for the reminder.  I am perhaps just beginning to realize how important tradition is.  

Christmas is coming soon and I want to be ready for it.  

I want to appreciate the gifts, and the fun side culture that comes with the whole ordeal, but I don't want to be caught once again forgetting.  With two holidays checked off my list, it would be embarrassing if I still failed to remember the quiet reminders, the traditions that teach small but great things, or the importance of the time we've been given.  

I mean, how ironic is it that we spend so much time thinking about getting a tree, wrapping gifts, going to holiday parties, and spending copious amounts of money, that after all is said and done, we're not rejuvenated, grateful, and more committed to live with love in our hearts.  We're exhausted, maybe jaded, and further isolated from what should keep us going.  

We're not getting the pay off from that investment and it happens so easily.  Suddenly holidays (holy days) truly does become time spent wholly dazed.  

Don't let it happen to you, dear readers.  Because you deserve better.  I just know it.  



On an unrelated parting note, check this piece of weirdom out!  Klingon Christmas Carol 


Don Replies:

This was an awesome post.  I can't wait to hear about your Hanukkah experience in person.  No doubt one of my best Christmas presents this year is simply that you're coming home.  Merry Christmas to me.

By the way, I hate how all the stores barely have the Hanukkah merchandise put away before they're dragging out the Kwanzaa.  Funny stuff.  See ya soon.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

#18 Holidays -- Wholly dazed.




Woody Herb, my infamous ne’er-do-well uncle and mentor, always had this to say about Christmas: “The question isn’t whether Ol’ Santy Claus is real or not, the question is whether he’s going to bring you a little sumptin’ sumptin’ and stick’er in yer stockin’.” 

He’s right, of course.  Christmas and other holidays are not the appropriate time for delving too deeply into the metaphysics of reality; that is to say, looking for those lines that separate “fantasy” from “the real world.”  We refer to this in English class as “the willing suspension of disbelief,” and this means basically that as readers we need to be willing to trade whatever issues we may have with “that would never happen in real life” for the pleasures we can have from enjoying the story.

Thus, if we really want to take pleasure in a bit of fantasy, we must be willing to let some things go.  If you are bothered that in J.K. Rowling’s magical world, people can transform themselves into cats and mice, but Dumbledore, arguably the greatest wizard of all times, needs to wear glasses to correct his vision – you’ve got to learn to let it go.  Some people who have no problems with Superman being able to fly and see through walls get totally bent out of shape by the idea that Lois Lane, a prize-winning investigative reporter, can’t recognize that the superhero she has a crush on is the same awkward nerd she shares an office with. 

That Sigourney Weaver’s character in Avatar was a cigarette smoker nearly ruined the film for my wife, Ruth.  “Like a company is going to let people smoke in a building that took them trillion of dollars to build on a distant planet that needs to filter out the deadly atmosphere they found there,” she said to me as we walked to our car after we first left the theater.  “A company is not going to go to all the expense of sending a highly-trained expert to a distant planet than then let her damage her health with tobacco,” she said on the drive home.  And later that night, “This movie is supposed to take place in the future.  Does it seem very likely to you that that far in the future, someone as educated as Sigourney Weaver’s character is going to be dumb enough to smoke?”  I could have said, “Well, perhaps that far into the future, we’ll be able to cure cancer by swallowing a tiny pill shaped like a Flintstone,” but I didn’t.  I said, rather, “You’re right.  It doesn’t make sense to have a character smoking in this movie.  I don’t know what the director was thinking when he decided to let her smoke on screen.”  Now, even though I thought there were lots of places where the Fabric of Not Likely was beginning to fray in that movie, I didn’t initially have a problem with the smoking.  On the other hand, I don’t work for the Tobacco lobby or the Screen Writer’s Guild, and I love my wife – so that’s the point, see?  I can sincerely agree with her that the smoking in Avatar was bothersome because since it ended up bothering her so much, it ended up bothering me as well.

And this is precisely what Christmas is, isn’t it?  It’s about picking and choosing which aspects of reality we’re going to let bug us and which aspects to let go.  Christmas asks us to temporarily put aside our cynical and critical “yes, buts” and let things go for the pleasure of the serenity that comes when we’re all getting along.  This temporary peacefulness may be as artificial as the sweeteners in the candy canes, but if you want to insist this serenity isn’t real, just hold that thought until January while we’re scraping the ice off our windshields to get back to work.  For right now, however, do me a favor and just let it go.  Hark the Herald Angels sing! Can’t you hear them?

Can a single person using flying reindeer visit every household in the world in a single night?  Yes, absolutely, and, furthermore, if you use the phrase “speed of light” to explain to me why I’m wrong, then you totally missed the point of the question.  Did God impregnate a virgin and send her miles and miles over rough terrain on the back of a donkey while simultaneously providing a star for others to find her and the baby later in a barn? Yes, absolutely, and if you want to say that stars are massive hydrogen reactions that exist light-years away and as such are not amenable to being drug across celestial space for the purpose of terrestrial navigation, then you may know plenty about particles and parsecs, but I’ll wager you don’t know much about what is significant to the human soul.

One of the aspects of Christmas I like the most is this communal understanding that the whole Peace on Earth business is only going to work as much as we’re willing to believe it’s going to work.  This is to say, we all need to make an effort to be extra nice about those things that bother us even if what’s bothering us is the need to be extra nice. 

Why do we do it? We do it because when we’re a little extra nice to others, we recognize and appreciate the effort others make to be a little extra nice to us.  If this requires us to willingly suspend our belief in the good intentions of others, then let’s do that.  It’s only for a month, so let’s filter out the question of what motivates people to do nice things for others, and let’s just focus instead on figuring out what can we do for them to make their life a little easier as well.

When the Ghost of Jacob Marley comes to visit his old business partner, Ebenezer Scrooge’s first response to this visit is to focus on the reality of Marley’s existence rather on the importance of his message.  Scrooge tells Marley’s ghost that perhaps he is a dreamlike hallucination brought on by some indigestion: "You may be an undigested bit of beef, a blot of mustard, a crumb of cheese, a fragment of underdone potato. There's more of gravy than of grave about you, whatever you are!"

This, for me, crystallizes fundamentally what Dickens was getting at in “A Christmas Carol,” and ultimately the “true meaning” of Christmas: we can only open ourselves up to transformative spiritual experiences when we put aside all the empirical proofs that would otherwise keep them from us. Does “Santa Claus” really exist?  Yes, he does, and he lives in my heart.  Furthermore, I promise you this: if until December 25th you can practice the willing suspension of disbelief, you may or may not find a little sumptin’ sumptin’ in your stockin’ but you’ll certainly find a little extra room for tolerance in your heart.  God bless us, everyone.

Olivia says:


Did you happen to watch a Very Glee Christmas?  (Ok, the secret's out, world ...)   It was so touching.  Brittany still believes in Santa and everyone goes leaps and bounds to make sure she still does.   I may or may not have cried. 


And I am so excited to come home for Christmas.   I think Christmas reaches different peaks according to age.  When I was young, I dreamt about Santa even in April.  As I became older, it became about that one perfect morning where everyone is nice and happy.   Now, I'm at the age where I tear up a little bit when I hear "I'll be home for Christmas ... "  


I can't wait!

Sunday, November 28, 2010

#17 Bargains - Olivia



Please forgive for my tardiness this week.  I've been sick, Thanksgiving reared it's glutenous head, and the first climatically seriously snowfall fell continuously throughout the week.  But without further ado, let's talk bargins.

First, I have another confession for this blog.

Somehow, I have been classically conditioned to feel the call of nature whilst in the presence of perceivably good deals.  I think the comes from a reoccurring experience I had as a little girl of going shopping with my mother, having to deal with a little girl bladder, and being almost to that finish line when she would get held up by a sale, a clearance sign, or a bargin bin.

I guess eventually I just began associating one with the other.

It's probably one of those extremely rare conditions.  Like never nudes.

Today, before I can even consider the potential of a thrift store, yard sale, or dollar store, I have to tend to a more pressing need.  This is easier said than done because businesses designed to save you money are also designed to cut corners, which translates to no public bathrooms nine times out of ten.   What is a girl to do?

Good question, reader.  If you're at a yard sale, you're fresh out of luck.  It took me at least three weeks to feel confortable enough to wander past the other cubicles on the way to washroom at work.  I just don't know if I have it in me to ask a stranger to let me use their facilities.  It's weird, I know.  But we must proceed.  You need to channel the pressure of the situation into a divide and conquer mode.  Be picky and honest.  Do I need this?  Is it worth $3?  Do I really look good in orange?  There is no lingering, only instantaneous decision making.  Stand by all the decisions you make.

If you find yourself at a thrift store, evaluate the situation.  Take in your whereabouts, consider your options, and act.  We all know that the best bargins exist, not so much in a geographical location, but in a state of mind.  If you are ready for deals, they will find you.   But you can't be ready to let those deals into your life if you're on a full tank.

Some thrift stores do have bathrooms.  Out here in the west, we have Deseret Industries instead of Salvation Armies and they're built near identical.  You can navigate both if you can navigate one.  They build Goodwills out of whatever they can find, so that's not always a guarantee.  The best thrift stores are of course holes in the wall.  My favorite, Re-Use Industries in Athens, is notoriously sketchy and cheap. And without a ladies room, but that goes without saying.   In those instances, I suggest going next door to take care of the emergency and move on with your life.   Luckily, New to You is not far at all from Re-Use, and it does have a public bathroom.  (Well, sort of.  It goes between being public and for employees only, but I use it regardless.)

The real trouble is in the dollar store.  First, let it be said that I adore the dollar store.  I am never disappointed by the whimsy of a dollar store.  Canned cheese doodles next to pizza flavored toothpase, behind glass figurines of clown-dogs?  What will they think of next?!  I could wander these aisles for hours, wondering who puts together the double feature DVDS that include one Marlon Brando western and a Betty Boop cartoon, or who creates the prototypes for the bizarre ceramic figures.  Dollar stores are brimming with wonder and fascination at a very affordable price.

But we all know my hold-up.  First thing is first.  If you can locate a loo, do it.  If not, you have a couple of options.  You can either grin and bear it, or you can distract yourself.  Start with a piece of gum.  Tune into the loudspeaker jamz, they're normally pretty fantastic.  Luckily, you're in a dollar store and you're surrounded by distractions.  You're going to be ok.

The only setting I can imagine real struggle with is Bargain Billy's in the Plains, Ohio.  It's the perfect storm of reuse, discount, and surplus.  I have no idea if it's still open (I have a sneaking suspicion it is), but my dusty memory only provides sensations of being overwhelmed.  It was crazy in there, from what I recall.  They had everything from memorabilia to garden decor.  There was no way to truly determine the worth of a deal because of how peculiar the items were.  I recall even their pop-machine having weird flavors.  And of course there would be no bathroom in sight.  Plus, you probably purchased a weird flavored pop.  You could walk down to the library, but you're pushing your lucky compadre.

You could say it was more than you bargained for.

HA ha HA ha HA ha HA ha HA ha HA ha HA!  This is the part where you probably just peed your pants.

Sometimes you get the deal, and sometimes the deal gets you.

Monday, November 22, 2010

#17 Bargains -- Don



It’s about 8 pm on a Sunday night as I write this.  I’m flying home from a few days in Orlando where I was attending an English teachers’ conference and the National Writing Project’s annual meeting.  It’s been a busy few days, and considering how late I’m going to be getting home tonight, I’ll be dragging quite a bit through work for the next couple of days. So, I guess, the first bargain I want to talk about is the bargain I’m going to make with myself where I agree to just hold on a couple of days and then I’ll rest up on Wednesday (which is the first day of my nearly week-long Thanksgiving break).

In addition to going to some great (and few not-so-great) sessions at the conference on how to be a better English teacher and/or workshop facilitator, Ruth and I took in three theme parks, the new Harry Potter movie, and an outlet mall.  As we like to say back in the hill country, “my dogs are a barkin’.”  Of course, my feet would probably be even a little bit more tender had I not went ahead and bought myself a new pair of comfortable shoes at the outlet mall.

When I think of the word “bargain,” I think of two different meanings.  The first is the type when we get a good deal for our money (in other words, the bargains we get when we see a good deal).  The new Mickey Mouse watch that I only paid $10 for at the outlet mall is a pretty good example of the first kind of bargain.  The other kind of bargain I think of is when we make a deal with someone after negotiating with them over something we both want.   For example, while we’re deciding what to do next in the theme park, we work out the deal that I’ll ride this ride with you if you agree to ride the next ride with me.

So after the last few days I’ve had, I guess I want to yak about where I’ve been and if I thought the expense of the theme parks was worth it or not.  Are the Disney parks a bargain?  Is it worth $10 to have a butterbeer in Hogsmead under the shadow of the Harry Potter ride?  What’s the best deal on a meal I made this week?

Okay, Question #1: Are the Disney Parks worth the expense? (I’m sure as my kids are reading this, they are sucking in their breath waiting for the answer because for nearly 10 years now I’ve been grumbling loudly that I’d never go to Disney because it cost too much; I think Ruth was more than a little bit surprised when I agree to purchase not one but two half-day tickets at Disney parks from the conference website on the night before we left for our trip). 

My answer is a qualified yes.   By “qualified” I mean the cost of the tickets to get into the parks are a pretty good deal; however, because of how easy it is to lose track of how much you’re spending once you are in the parks (on food, drinks, and souvenirs) it’s very easy to slip from good deal to bad deal if you are not very careful about how much you actually want to spend.  There’s a strange mentality that gets engendered in the park where you end up saying to yourself, “Well, it’s pretty special to be here so I’m going to go ahead and spend $22 for an éclair and another French dessert whose name I’m not exactly sure of.”  Now, one fancy “let’s splurge on a dessert” moment wouldn’t be so bad, but these parks are designed for you to have these “let’s spurge” moments every 12 minutes or so.   The bag of Japanese salty snow peas snack (they were like potato chips but made from snow peas) were a lot of fun and so was the caramel brownie from Germany; but I’m not sure I needed to spend the $8 for the beer from Norway (or was it Italy?).  Just what were we noshing on as we passed through Morocco and Canada? I don’t remember, but I’m sure Discover card never forgets.

But, like they say in the ads, “A week hanging out with my favorite person on Earth – Priceless.”  (We’re 39000 feet in the air and by now, hundreds of miles away from Orlando and we’re still snacking on Disney fare – chocolate covered almonds from “Ghirardelli.”  Yum!)  I guess the next bargain I make is with the exercise machine in the basement.

Question #2: Is it worth $10 to have a butterbeer in Hogsmeed (this is at the Harry Potter land at Universal Studios)?  Absolutely.  Until that first sip, I could only imagine what a butterbeer tasted like.  I would be glad to tell you what it tasted like, but I’d feel obligated to charge you a consulting fee (hey, it’s not like the IRS is going to let me deduct this just because I’m an English teacher and this is really literary research.  See – you’re not buying it either.)

My family knows I’m a bit of a tightwad (although I prefer the word “Frugal”).  I’d like to say how much we blew at the Harry Potter gift shops, but I can’t.  First of all, some of the stuff we bought are Christmas surprises and so I can’t talk about them lest a certain couple daughters find out about a good reason to come home for Christmas, and secondly, I can’t say I really know.  Ruth has her own copy of the credit card.  Could be scary.

Question #3: The best deal on a meal I had this week was the Baja Fish tacos from a restaurant in “Downtown Disney.”  They were delicious and very reasonably priced.
Disney, by the way, has their own shopping center (“Downtown Disney”) that has free bus service from all of their hotels/resorts.   “Free bus service” to go and spend more money on stuff after the theme parks are closed – now there’s a bargain for you.  Who doesn’t like free?  Only my Visa card knows how much those free trips cost me, but until I get the bill next month, I’m going to keep saying it was worth it.

Monday, November 15, 2010

#16 Haircuts - Olivia

Congratulations, readers.  Today, you get three polaroids instead of one.  Because this is a very short photo essay on haircuts.  You could say it was trimmed.  Har har har, knee-slap, har har.   You're so welcome.

This is my last haircut, circa April of this year.  

Gasp! Choke! Sputter! What?!  I know.  It's practically Thanksgiving.  I'm beyond overdue. 

My hair looks nothing like this now, due to the fact that two summers ago I dyed my hair a striking Marilyn Monroe blonde and it has since lightened up every time I dye it.  Even though I've cut most of those locks, the blonde seeps back through.  What was left of the blonde is pretty much just the tips, but you can still see it.  

And really, I don't mind.  Right now my hair is like Neapolitan ice-cream.  Blonde on the bottom, red remaining from this dark color, and my natural milk chocolate hair blending in from the roots.  

Due to the angled cut, my hair has these two long pieces in the front now.  It's like I'm from Middle Earth.  What do my Elven eyes see??

Only that next paycheck, I'm getting a haircut. 

This is was the best hair cut I've ever had, or at least my favorite. 

I loved everything about it.  This was my subsequent trade-off from the crazy golden locks of summer.  The warm brunette made me feel like myself again, just a better, more styled version.  

This is also when I tried bangs and loved it.  This has not always been my experience, as hair is always an experiment. 

Nothing reminds you that there are no rehearsals for life like haircuts.  One learns this by experience, such as wishing for a perm in sixth grade.  Readers, be careful with what you wish for.  

This also may have been the most expensive haircut of my short life.  Do you think that fact subconsciously contributes to it being my favorite?   

This is the best haircut I ever gave.  (Thus far)

My mother, father, and I were snowed into the Dudding Manor in January.  School was canceled, the roads were forbidden, and the electricity was sketchy.  

We did all the things people do when the forces of nature keep you from going anywhere.   Exhausted from Monopoly, playing in snow, reading, playing music, dancing around the wood stove, we collapsed onto the floor, the couch, and the large corduroy chair respectively.   

"Well," I recall my dad saying with a sigh, "I guess you guys can give me a haircut." 

What we gave him was a real punk rock mohawk and Teddy Roosevelt chops.  Which gave way to a photo shoot.  And entertainment for hours.

Man, I wish I had traced that shadow.  


This has been a short photo essay about haircuts.  Thank you and come again.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

#16 "Haircuts" -- Don



I hope I’m not in trouble with Olivia, but I moved the topic of “Haircuts” to this week because I just had one yesterday and considering that I only get my hair cut about every three months, I thought we’d just go ahead and yak about it today.

First, as a bridge to last week’s topic on strange words, I like to put it out there that the language I feel I am supposed to use when describing the haircut I’d like to have is more than a bit off-putting.  In fact, it perplexes me.  Every time I go to get a haircut, the barber (or stylist) asks, “How do you want it?”  Now, I understand the necessity of the question – the barber wants to know how much hair to hack off – but my own linguistic inability to articulate approximately how short to cut my hair is very disconcerting.

Naturally, I want it shorter.  Although I’d like to have it longer on top (where I am balding), the physics of the clippers pretty much rules out this option.  I’d like to say, “I’m tired of having more face to wash everyday; could you please just shorten the sides and lengthen the stubble on top?” but one important lesson I learned in childhood was never to make jokes with someone who has sharp objects in close proximity to your head.

The English language works against me when I’m in the barber’s chair.  If I ask for a “trim,” how much hair is he (or she) going to take off?  What is a “trim” anyway?  When you’re trimming a tree, you could be pruning branches off or throwing decorations on.  If I ask for a trim, am I going to leave with a garland around my head or a wreath?  What if I ask for a trim and I leave looking like Julius Caesar in the pizza ads?  I’m certainly not going to complain to the guy who has ready access to scissors and straight razors.  I guess what I’m saying is even if I leave the barbershop with leaves on my head, I'm going to tip the guy anyway because complaining about such things is simply not within me, and besides, it’s my fault for asking for a “trim.”

The word “clip” works the same way as “trim.”  You can cut something off by clipping it, or you can attach something to something else by clipping it.  However, I dare not say, “clip my hair off, please.  Do not clip anything to my hair.”  I have no idea how women, who make it a custom to clip things into their hair, have this conversation with their stylists.

Just how short my haircut end up is always a delicate issue when I get home.  You see, years ago while I was first dating Ruth, I made the mistake of letting my dad give me a haircut.  She had not seen me for a couple of weeks, and when I went to pick her up at the bus stop, I was wearing a toboggan (which, I know many of you think of as a sled but here in Southern Ohio is the word we use to refer to a winter stocking cap).   Thus, when I picked Ruth up at the bus stop she didn’t know that I looked like a new recruit for a Buddhist temple until after we got home and I took my hat off.   

That haircut freaked her out a little bit.  I think she thought, “Oh my god, if this guy is willing to go around with such a shockingly bad haircut, what else is he capable of doing?  What other dark secrets is he hiding?”

Okay, now in my defense, I didn’t ask my dad to give me the same haircut he gave me when I was seven.  It was just that that particular haircut was the only haircut he knew how to do.  What I couldn’t say when she asked me why I let my dad shear off my head like a farmer clipping a spasmodic sheep is that I didn’t have the money for a haircut because I had just shelled out for the down payment on an engagement ring that I was keeping hid in my pocket.

So when she asked me back then, “Did you mean for him to do that?”  I responded all manly and blustery and said, “Of course, I did” when actually I did not.  What I really wanted was just a basic haircut that does not call attention to itself, and I was hoping against all of my previous history that my dad wouldn’t operate his hair clippers as though they were manufactured by John Deere. Hope springs eternal when you’re broke.

Now, more than two decades later, Ruth still thinks I specifically ask for short haircuts when – truth be told – I just don’t know how to ask for the right haircut.  As soon as I get into the chair and the barber asks me how short do I want it, I begin to sound like a blithering idiot.   I stammer and jabber, and then, words just fall out of my mouth.

Perhaps, I should start driving to another town maybe an hour or so away and pretend that I’m mute.  Then I could hand the barber a preprinted card that would read, “Please cut my hair short enough so that I won’t need another hair cut next week, but long enough not to piss off my wife.”

Or I could just continue to do what I always do.  Go get my hair wacked off and when I get home, Ruth will ask me, “Did you mean to get it cut that short?” and I will suck in my breath and say, “Of course, I did.  It’s not too short is it?

And she will say, “Well, it’s short.”  I know there’s a lot more she’d like so say, but she’s kind enough to let it go.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

#15 Strange Words - Olivia



It doesn't take a linguist to tell you that the English language is wack.   

I mean, every single publicly educated American has encountered Shakespeare in some form.  That alone should remind you of staring at words like "prabble" or "bisson," which incidentally did not refer to anything near large buffalo creatures at the time.

So what's bizarre for the bizarre?

For me, it breaks down two ways.  First, when common words don't quite compute (take the polaroid as Exhibit A).  And good old fashioned, garden variety, home grown, colloquial slang.

First, let's take a peek again at the polaroid.

Could someone please explain to me how color could be passionate?  While it's completely possible that inside the box is actually a man named Purple, who is known for his dedication and emotional attachment to most things, something makes me feel like keeping such a package at a Health Dept. (where the photo was taken) is a health code violation, and fire hazard at the least.

Passionate purple doesn't even evoke a particular shade for me.

And this is just one example.

The second section of word strangeness has to do with words that sprung up on the sly.  Oh, how I love slang and regional terms.

For example, did you know that in Pennsylvania, a rubber band is referred to as a gum band?

Or that 'paczki' is a jelly donut in Wisconson?

This is a brief listing of interesting word collections:
Regional vocabularies of American English
Track that word!
(From the previous website) Slayer Slang
Random instances of American Slang (made me giggle)
And of course ... Urban Dictionary

And for my people in Athens, Ohio, if you want some more academic study on the subject.  American Regionalism

Have a whale of a time with these.  (Yep, that's the best my thesaurus gave me.)

Don Replies:


Those are some awesome links you gave us; ee cummings might say they were "mudlucious" or "puddlewonderful."


I really like the word "paczki."  It's a mouthful just like the doughnut (by the way, I prefer this spelling of "doughnut" to "donut" because it reminds us that it's made of dough, even if we are not.


Of all your links, the one I use the most is Urban Dictionary.  Unfortunately it's blocked at school where I work because it has too many dangerous and profane words; we wouldn't want the kids to learn any new swear words.  They'll just have to make due with the ones they already know.  Heaven forbid they might call someone a "honeyfuger."

Sunday, November 7, 2010

#15 "Strange Words" -- Don




Back in 1912, William Howard Taft and Theodore Roosevelt were both vying for the nomination to be the Republican candidate in that year’s presidential election, and the dispute between the two former friends grew heated and personal.  At one point, in a live debate in a Chicago convention hall, the increasing animosity between the two led both candidates to resort to gutter-level, no-class, gob-in-the- spittoon name-calling.  Crossing the line from political discourse into personal attack, Roosevelt called Taft a “puzzlewit.”  Taft responded by calling Roosevelt a “honeyfugler.”  Shocking, isn’t it?

Although back in 1912, the crowd might have been a bit scandalized to hear such strong language hurled at their opponents in a public forum from two such highly respected politicians, I image now almost a hundred years later most of us would shrug and say, “What the heck’s a puzzlewit and a honeyfugler?”  A puzzlewit is person who is puzzled by life, which is to say, a stupid person.  A honeyfugler is basically a swindling liar who gets what he wants by duping people into believing his frauds.  Despite the prestige and historical importance of both Taft and Roosevelt and the highly publicized notoriety of their trash talk during this presidential debate, neither invective has survived the past century.   You won’t even find these two words today in the Merriam-Webster dictionary.  It’s a shame, really.  Both words are a little slice of awesome.

So to start off this blog about strange words, puzzlewit and honeyfugler are my gift to you, Dear Reader; perfectly suitable insults to hurl at people whom you want to call either “stupid” or “liar” without them knowing what it is exactly you are calling them.  You’re welcome.

Language is in constant change.  Words and phrases come and go and frequently change their meaning over time.  This inescapable truth, by the way, is the bane to the Standardized Testing industry.  In order for Standardized Tests in English to be authentic and valid, they need to rely upon a notion of language that is stagnant and fixed.  But, of course, it is not.  Standard English is a moving target; what may have been standard 20 years ago may be completely passé in contemporary usage.  I, for one, am a big fan of the Oxford Comma (you know, that comma that goes in front of the “and” in the midst of a series of three: Larry, Moe, and Curly), but I wouldn’t suggest that a student who leaves one out is either stupid or unfit for admission to an Ivy League college.  In fact, I might go as far as to say that people who believe in the validity of Standardized English tests are either puzzlewits or honeyfuglers, but then again, these terms are not necessarily mutually exclusive.

Reading Shakespeare often reminds us just how much language changes over time.  There are a few words and expressions that Shakespeare used frequently that I really wish had made into contemporary usage.  I really like, for instance, what “soft” meant four hundred years ago.  Back in Shakespeare’s time, soft meant “hold up a second.”  I like the economy of a single word that says, “Just wait a second there.”  How cool would it be if in the middle of an argument with someone, you could says, “Soft, what you’re really saying is that I’m a puzzlewit.  Well, by God, you’re a honeyfugler.”  Or instead of “Give me a minute to get my stuff together and I’ll go with you,” we could say, “Soft, I’ll go with you.”

One of my favorite Shakespearean words that has changed over the past four hundred years was his interjection for “bring it on” or “let’s get to it” which was “ho.”  Today when my students read Juliet’s father saying to her mother, “Bring me my long sword, ho” they think Capulet is talking to his wife like a pimp.  And while I’ve never met Shakespeare, given his love for language and vulgar phrases, I like to image that he’d get quite a chuckle over that one.

Back when I was in high school in the mid 70’s, we had the term “zah” which was a response that meant “what you just said was so stupid I don’t even know how to respond to that.”  The cool thing about “zah” is that it has a hand motion to go along with it; when we “zahhed” someone we would flick the end of our thumb with the end of our middle finger; quite often we would just use the hand motion and the other person would have to ask, “Did you just zah me?”  Well, yeah. Zah.

Another word that has undergone a complete transformation since I was in high school is the word “geek.”  Today a geek, of course, is someone who loves technology so much that the rest of us can count on them to help us resolve whatever issues we are having when our electronic gadgetry fails us.  Forty years ago, however, a “geek” was a circus performer crazy enough to bite the heads off of live chickens or snakes.  The first time I heard the term was when I was in junior high (and it sent me running for a dictionary) when I heard a friend of mine’s dad say to him at supper one night, “Chew with your mouth closed, you geek-child.”  Brilliant.  You seldom hear such an apt turn of phrase these days.

I’ll end here with another word that relates to the dinner table.  If someone is not eating, but they are sitting there watching you eat, you can politely ask them not to “groak.”   Groaking is the action of silently staring longingly at something, but while you’re trying to eat, it’s disconcerting.  Don’t you think?  Well, zah.


Olivia says:


I don't understand.  Puzzlewit is not a commonly used word ...? 


Zah, though, yeah I had no idea.  Oh the things I learn from you, Dad.  From whence did zah originate?  Or at least where did you learn it?  


I absolutely adore the usage of the word "soft."  I like it not only because it's simpler than whole sentences of explanation, but because it's such an attention snag.  Hearing the word "soft" to me is like a sudden gasp, or the sound of twigs snapping in the woods.  It's sudden, and powerful.  That's what I feel anyway.  


Your picture is fantastic, by the way.  And as far as the Oxford Comma goes, I'm indifferent.  About as indifferent as Vampire Weekend is.